14/5/10

Something really very awkward happened last night. Something that I'm normally too busy to pay attention to. Something that I've heard of happening to other people, including close friends and the women who grace the pages of gossip and women's magazines with their 'true confessions' of all sorts of overstated vanilla raunch...But it's never happened to me. Mostly because I've always found myself far too preoccupied to focus on the issue.

What I'm referring to, is stage fright. Stage fright of a sexual nature.

I'm one of those mixed basket people (aka normal) who like to mix things up a little during sex. Lying prone in the missionary position, really doesn't do it for me. And I want a session long aenough so that we can shake things upn a little. I'm not talking about doing a 360 turn around the bed, whilst raising one leg in the air and balancing an egg on a spoon, between my teeth (though that could be an interesting and fun extra curricular activity - it'd put an entierly new spin on the egg and sppon race anyway), but I do like to turn things upside down, back to front and any other which way can possibly be managed (without risk of injury...I'm starting to think though, that if I'm going to indulge in a marathon, then I'm going to need to do some stretches first...O.o).

This said, whilst I know guys are ridiculously fond of it, I'm not big on the 'girl on top, cowboy style, tits mcgee, show off) kind of positioning. This is partially because I, as a fact, am not a busty person. Well, not without some assistance from Mr Wonder Bra (or, alternatively, something I got from Paddy's Markets in Sydney called a super bra or something similar - honey that thing is PADDED. In fact, I'm ashamed to say I think there's more padding than boob when I wear it, but it does the job and so long as I don't plan on taking it off at any point during the night, the illusion is maintained), anyway. This has never really been an issue with any of my lovers (Yes. I call my men and my women, lovers. It sounds classy that way and any other term i.e. 'Fuck Buddy', starts to sound all too much like we're BFF's or something. That's not true. The dynamic with a lot of these things is just as is. And for one reason only. We don't see much of eachother outside of that, which quite frankly, works for me in ways you may not believe and I'll eventually explain), most of whom maintain that I have a healthy handfull (UNLESS they have massive hands, in which case, my blossoming (cause that's literally how they look - ok maybe not that bad. They're just smaller than most. I can push them up in a corset and make them appear larger, aka visible to the naked eye...ha.), bust is referred to as 'cute' - how these people are still living I do not know. Cute is not a word with which I like to be referred), which is really all that's required. Needless to say, on the whole, it's an issue which, even though I come across to most who know me as this straightforward, up front, sexually confident sort, I'm a little sensitive about. But I think we all have our little body quirks and issues anyway, so I'm hoping one day I'll be able to feel just that little extra more comfortable in my own skin.

Moving right along - it's not just bust concerns that have resulted in my less than favourable opinion of girl on top. I'm never a hundred percent certain as to what I should be doing up there. Aside from my hands, which are usually, groping, scratching, caressing (if I'm feeling nice) or clutching (onto whatevers available at the time, be it cusshion, blanket, person or extra -playmate), the rest of me is normally stationary. And my facial expressions....the less that's said about them the better (I'm one of the unforunate souls who just looks like an idiot during coitus. I just do. That website, where you can submit your orgasm face? They probably wouldn't accept mine, for fear of scaring people away. Case closed).

This may not seem like an issue to some. I mean, I look back over what I've written and it seems as though I do largely what everyone else does. But there are occassions when it seems like doing what I do with my hands, just isn't relevant to the situation at hand. Like when you first get started for instance and things haven't worked themselves up to that 'peak' or that supreme moment of awesome when you're REALLY getting into the moment and heading towards that crescendo...I mean, at the very beginning when you're just kind of going through the motions and getting used to things, getting used to the person (if it's a first time kind of thing) and scratching your hands down someones chest, whilst throwing your head back and practically screaming.....would possibly be more of a scare factor than a sign of enjoyment. I mean, seriously, THAT is what happens in porn films, where there's ALWAYS something happening. Or they atleast feel there always HAS to be something happening. Most of the time it's just overkill. But don't get me started on porn. That's an essay waiting to happen.

It's not so difficult in terms of threesomes. Because most of the time you have something else to pay attention to. This is very good. However in a duo, I end up being at a complete loss. And just sitting there with this bemused smile on my face (which is what I usually have, because I love sex. Love it. AND because it does tend, in those pre-arranged situations, where I'm not drunk or just comepletely ravenous, to make me giggle. Just a bit. I do try not to though. Apparantly this is another example of 'cute' behaviour, so I do try and avoid it. Also, guys in particular, tend to get a little disturbed when you start to giggle whilst they're 'doing their thing'....that's always awkward >.<), makes me feel like a complete tard. -.-

Some girls I know have found ways to turn this situation into something akin to some sort of lap dance. Or other, sexy dancey type thing....but, whilst I relish the thought that my body and it's fully awesome sexy moves and what not can turn a guys knees to jelly and make him slavishly devote himself to my pleasure (in some cases this is wishful thing. For more details see: It's Not Fair, by Lily Allen), there's times when it just doesn't really fit. Other friends relish having a conversation - NO. Who wants to talk about the weather whilst you're shagging? Really? Unless you're the outdoorsy type and have decided to amp up the excitement by participating in a little bit of risky, semi public display in the woods or a paddock or something and you think there's a possibility of rain, NO. Just no. I mean, I'll admit that I have on occasion, maybe (I have), had a small chat about something random. But that was with GOOD FRIENDS or EX BOYFRIENDS and random crap like that is a relative expectation when you become that used to someone. And it never strayed from the realms of sex or something filthy, so it's justified.

DIRTY TALK is another skill, which I believe I have yet to master. Namely Because there's a limited amount of stuff you can say, most of it including the word fuck, several variations and synonyms of the word fuck, a host of personal pronouns and then assorted references to kink, depending on who you are what and/or whom you're doing and what you and said participant(s) is/are interested in. This also has a tendency to make me laugh. And not at saying it, because in the heat of the moment, stuff is said, promises are made and it all tends to come out rather automatically. And I'm not prone to delve into dirty murmurings if it requires that I think about it. I've been on the receiving end of well thought out and rehearsed speeches. And whilst they were quite raunchy and absolutely dripping in filth....it was still akin to a recital. No expression whatsoever, which is part of what makes that kind of talk, add rather than detract from the sexual experience. The breathless murmurs, gasps, sighs....and half of it is letting know someone you're feeling good and what you'd like them to do more of. Not detailing the dirty fantasy you had in 8th grade about your English teacher who kind of sort looks a bit like the girl you currently have sitting on top of you - true story -.-